I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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