Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize