I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
