I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
