and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
