I should be sponsored by Trojan
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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