Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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