I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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