he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
