Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
