you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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