Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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