I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize