she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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