I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
