Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
why is half of my head shaved?
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