seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
