There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
