My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My cat gives me a boner
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
