I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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