Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
