i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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