get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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