your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
