Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
