Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
