A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Of course I have a pirate flag
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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