the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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