I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
