Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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