you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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