dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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