There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
