I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
