i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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