I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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