were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
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