I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
