I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
