Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
