On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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