the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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