Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize