That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Warsđ
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You couldnât remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders âunlimited hand frittersâ if they wouldnât cut you off.
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