i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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