I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He has the fingertips of a God
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