Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
