I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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