I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
