Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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