i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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