I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
