I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
