I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
50% drunk capacity currently
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
