saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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