i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He passed out mid-signature
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
