The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
