Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
