Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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